Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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