he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
