I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
