remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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