Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
