Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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