Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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