Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
