For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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