I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
