Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
