apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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