I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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