at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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