I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
