She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
