I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
