So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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