You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
