i think my tv is drunk
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
