That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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