went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Life is so much better after having sex.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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