It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
