Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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