Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
