Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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