3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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