Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
