thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
