According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
