sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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