Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
