i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
