Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
