textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
