I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
