I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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