My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Too much gin, very little bucket
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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