it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
