My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
