Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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