I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
