Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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