Me. At least after what I've been through.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
