Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
