im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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