I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sober January is a disaster.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
