I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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