she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
