this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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