I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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