my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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