Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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