From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He has the fingertips of a God
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