all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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