Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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