what day is it and did you see me today?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
