giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
as a side note pls kill me
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
